a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
