I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
