Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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