I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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