i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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