Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
