As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
