then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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