She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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