You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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