I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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