We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
