a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
if only i could text you this smell
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
