Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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