I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
