i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize