I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Randomize
