My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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