DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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