My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
