I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
