we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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