Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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