Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
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Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
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Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend