my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
