i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
