this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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