Cold hands, warm shart.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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