Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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