I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
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The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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