i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
