I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
