Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
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I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Blood and glitter go together right?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
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So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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