the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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