I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
