I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
