Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
