he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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