I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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