A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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