took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
