its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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