whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
