In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
