no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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