never play flip cup with pint glasses
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
