go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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