I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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