what day is it and did you see me today?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
