If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
