Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
