tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.