so explain again why im purple
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.