The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
