you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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