Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
